Alphabet soup.

Having had a few conversations lately about relationships, I've decided just to throw some thoughts, views and feelings down into this digital form. To really begin off, I will like to just shout out to my girlfriend. All these are besides my mum of course, as both ladies know me excellently well.

Since it's more a boy-girl relationship, I want to extend gratitude to my girlfriend who has always been there for me. Right now, we stand closely to a 2 year long relationship and trust me, commonly or most first 2 years can already pack in some complex feelings, odd moments, selfishness, ungrateful times, taking one for granted, future, money and family issues and actually, loads more.

I affirm Sin Yee simply because; she is one whom I can easily relate to and vice versa. She has also been a little of an angel; to guide me, support and hear me out. To lend her shoulders and ears throughout and also recently (which is in terms of months which passed not too long ago), to my complains in my own "negative" world, my trust and my people issues and so on. I guess at some point she's totally bored out with what I have to say. For the recent times, I haven't been placing much time for her, be it having my own things to do, being tired, lazy and just simply not wanting to get up to chat or meet. For not making half or even sometimes, one quarter the calls every day and/or night. For reminding me to keep myself on my feet and move on with things and for being understanding for whatever position I am in for example, being caught between friends and family with her. For making me breakfast without fail daily for school, not being tired out like how I have become, taking a step forward just to bring our relationship to another month, most importantly with real love and concerns.

I feel sad sometimes when I know I can do so much but somehow choose to do so little. I really want to make things move on and work out better each time. As time is already catching up so fast I must make moves which I will feel proud of and not sit back and wallow in sorrow situations. I guess sometimes I have to apologies for my outburst of hurtful sayings, though some I meant and some I was ranting and some are just my “at the moment” feelings that I needed to let out and since it has already been said for example, I told her and probably gave her feelings that if I am single it might be better and marriage is not what I wanted. In addition, asked her to find other guys, if I am wasting her time and some other relatively hurtful things. (Well if some of my readers do not feel me or think it's just over sensitive or whatsoever, this are true feelings and I didn’t meant the post to be a debatable one, just so you know if you have left any judgemental feelings or thoughts here or in your head.) In the shoes of someone whom you genuinely love and care for, what I have said is pretty unfair and I on my part am not making things easier.

The difficulty level of placing everything down in words is high but in relationships it is a must for it to be two sided. The core reason, of course is love. But the feelings, the majestic word, the actions and the thoughts of love has to be divided. Divided into many different situations and in order for love to sustain, it should pass every test, big or small. We must know love can wear out; it has the capability to find something or someone to re-ignite, regroup some sort of its synergy to be whole again. Now different situations means the paths that we take, the paves that we make and the situations we so happen to fall into. Those situations will test the stability of love in every couple.

It's funny what the wants and needs are at the beginning of the relationship can change along the way, well of course things will change but the main objectives shouldn't. For me, I let my insecurities bite me, eat into me till I sometimes take it for granted, leave it to my partner to work on, being afraid of comments or judgements by others which I don't usually care or bother but somehow it can come around and it affects me. What affects me will affect my actions and therefore, a chain reaction takes position. Occasionally and commonly is also the lack of something to spice up the relationship. Many would of course be attracted to the other half in many ways than one and for most young and bursting with hormones couples would tend to find one another to fulfil fun, needs and wants. As they go along, the fun, needs and wants can change be it the lack of attraction like how a magnet can lose its force or the need for someone new and even the different wants and needs as the relationship grows older or a better way to put it, matures. All of these affect the input and the output of creating strong bonds.

It's also problematic as the relationship matures, we sort to know each other well, taking each other more for granted, knowing how the other will react, their weaknesses and their strengths. Sometimes it is for the better and sometimes it is for the worst. Many relationships fail because the strengths collide with one another and in some cases, weaknesses used against each other. For whatever the fall of relationships in these cases ends up pretty nasty.

What I guess I have been saying for me personally, is that relationships must be two sided, being understanding and the usual brags about staying faithful and other no brainer kind of values couples must have - is not simply simple.

My relationship is not stronger or weaker than any other simply because mine can't be compared to others and others can't be compared to mine, both are in good ways. Everything that love bonds and forms between two individuals are unique and amazing in their shining own way. But what is wrong is to choose to do less rather than doing what one can to the fullest. To not let others limit the way you are treating each other, to pass less or better, no judgement on others and to have little or no judgement onto ourselves. Though the latter cannot be controlled, we have to take it easy and do what makes your lover and you proud and happy. Just by doing that it will make the judges go crazy, fill with angst and envy.

Well, I am not going to change overnight to the prince of love to my lover, but I just want to say how grateful I am to have such a girl with little or no demands for material things, no high and unreasonable expectations, truly being there through the thick and thin so far, the maturity, the capability of hers to keep clam and to see through the good of people despite the bad in them, her credibility to remain faithful in this relationship with me though there are so many out there better than me and for those who are on standby to take her as soon as I go, for a whole personality so far despite the irritate able times and misunderstandings. Your goodness shines through and most importantly, I see and realize it. I love you baby girl, Sin Yee.

Spit the thought and it gets worst than you thought.

Neither the time nor the place.

So far it's been a tough and dry holidays so far except of course for little fun times with the family, friends and lovergirl.

Three weeks gone by but neither work nor play has been fulfilled. Fyp is on a slow, real slow again, leaves me in a daze to wonder what do people around and I, do really want. Most times we share so many things in common, that same shape and that same commonly goals; to pass, to score, to make it well in life but as we pave our pavements, we tend to slip, slip from the needs and wants of achieving those darn goals.

The attempt to place hope and believe in a simple phase I came across in one of my close church friend's post, " Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay it's not the end." However, it struck me, how much I place more hope in the second part of that phase, "If it's not okay it's not the end." A lot of things and matters are not excatly okay for me, is it not the end? But there were many times before that I was all okay, couldn't life just leave it as that? I know, that there is so much more than to being just "okay." Sad though when finally achieving, everything's okay, it ends. So my hopes pressures that if it's not okay it's not the end, because many parts of me prefers perfection, my thoughts and actions towards myself and still to others, even; I want to. Some other parts of me urges myself to be okay simply or whatever others may want to call it, I want it to end.

Rankbound.

YV.

Dear YV came to a common ground. A place, a smell and the tension too firmiliar, this time a topic of mergence between another youth community and mine.

Results - YV remains.

Details - Let's just say I dont want to do a wordy post this time. For good or for worst, time is never fails to tell. Selfish or not, and the 'why and hows' of fellow yv's and my decision fails to piece a full picture to me yet or will it?

Yv's second family, it couldnt still be or be a even bigger one if we merged?

It's difficult going through rounds of getting to know people, each other again, it's different. How different and how difficult?

We'll change. When and how much change will make a difference as a whole and an individual?

Side a two year foresee, forsee next year, same time. Where's YV?

I have been on both side of the fence, I have provided my sharings, my care and concerns, I have led in sessions, camps, an event, I have played roles I didn't think I would have played after being confirmed, socially and spirtiually and most importantly kept this community in prayers. But I too have gone away not totally lost but away, some may call it missing in action (MIA-ing). Being there but not there physically plays much difference I came to realize more in this coummunity. I stand convicted with my choice, bending with the wind can be overwhelming but in the end, the final choice sinked in.

As YV ages, many would agree the bad in it should age and go but the good to age to mature.

The boys and girls that you do not know.

FYP mates.

Chem class.

There goes Year 3's semester one. Admist the drama, stress, excitement, tention, politics, extremely tough calculations, friendships, love, boredom, cold and hard feels, circuits and whatever else. It comes down to the grades thus far and the final semester before adulthood.

Goodbye memos, that is what it will only be.

The holidays would be so much better without math. Oh wells.

Out with.

Electronics Engineers.
Mechanical Engineers.

Computer Engineers.

Communications Engineer.

Civil Engineer.

AeroEngineers.

We all know what's life without but still we lack to know the life without complains.

You dont.

You don't have to.
You wont have to know.
You dont have to worry.
You cant be me.
Maybe that's the good part.
But you wont be me.
You dont have to scream when no ones listening.
You dont have to think thoughts because of someone else's shortcoming.
You dont have to feel how caged up I've been.
You dont have to go back to my years at my age at this time to feel how I feel.
You cant trip like I trip cause when you fall you fell, I got up.
You dont have itch and you dont have cuts.
You dont need to recover and you dont need to keep bleeding.
You are clueless and dont know you are weaker.
You fail to see you are wrong, though the pair of eyes you know you are blind.
You fail to see you are weaker.
You fail to see that money is not everything although it seems like everything.
You fail to see your years of planning may fail like how you will.
You fail to perform the role you are given, you are centred and selfless.
You do what you think is right but your right is half wrong.
You act as if you know a lot in fact people around are too shock to correct you, again and again.

You dont know, you just judge while your judgement's unsound.
You can't trust cause you cant trust yourself.
You are political and politics just gets to you because you think you were the player but the rest plays you.
You point the finger but when you alone you see the fingers pointing back.
You hide behind a mask which reveals you.

You are alwasy something less and nothing more.

All the world's a stage and you arent a player.

N97 is the awaited and the wait is almost over.

It has the specs that kills and places almost all other phones to be something with "less".

The biggest competitor to iphone 3g s and has a one up already against it in various ways though the iphone's pretty good shit too so to HTC phones but it still outshines to my personal liking.

http://www.digitgeek.com/nokia-n97-compared-with-iphone-xperia-x1-g1/

http://www.nokia.com.sg/find-products/products/nokia-n97/specifications

I will miss my memories with my N95 but finally something more and different after the 2 years of N95 and it's time to side slides and touch screen.

Great and many thanks to my mum!

Picture of it should be up soon if not enjoy it through checking it out on the web. The best phone from Nokia yet.

Bullet through ya.

Dissolving in negative thoughts.

The fear.

What might have I gotten into.

Can't just do a coin filp.

Talior make, where's my sewing kit?

Messed.

Still hungry.

Chain saw.

2 face.

Smoke.

Surround surround need a reboot chip.

Redbull.

Give me wings.

Superficial very superficial

Personally.

Conicidently
the
100th
post,
I note down a little more
about me.
Someone who may not be all that's it seems.

Travelling through the 19++ years wasnt always a smooth ride neither was it torn or bitter as war to an extend. The early years seem to be best to what I can recall. Those days without worries, without politics and well the absence of responsibilities gave the reasons not to have any of those. Coming out of that brittel shell I came out wondering like anyone would, as what the world and years ahead has installed.

My mind however, chose to only identify the dark, negative and sad versions of life. I still recall clearly my saddness and pain back in those young and fragile years of foundation that I and most would have urged to rush out of to get a taste of the world, as an adult without or few restrains. Recalls of betrayal, hate, jealousy, envy, pride, suicidal drawings, emotional music and distaseful thoughts which done seem to fade away as fast as good and bright moments.

Like a prisoner bound and enclosed by walls and iron bars, little light and just that one door. As early as primary 2 or 8 years old my parents and I figured I had a skin condition - Eczema. Up to 12 years later - present I still suffer from this shortcoming, the agony of the itch, the flames of rashes and the disability of freely running and freely consuming. In line unfortunately, I have sensitive nose. These two brought about limitations especially in areas I could have excel in. My love for sports took a slow after the condition got worse, it took me out of school for a few days, days which was pretty important for N level's and it took me out of Singapore Nationals (besides the laziness and I guess a little pressure from it all.) I was in for 800m for the Nationals and what more for missed medals at sports events and days, I was a mid-dis and a high jumper. I would love to remove the 'was.' It stopped me from being more casual, more confident and limits me to do many other activities such as trying out new sports and to widen my variety of foods.

Grey skies return once in awhile and it's a bitch. I fail to know happiness and do not seem to remember when was the last time I had my tummy ache with true laugher, tear for joy or just to float away without any worries or the visions of any grey-ness in the skies in true bliss and sense of accomplishment. Shadows of others enveloped the presence of me. The slow one, with no short cuts, little value and just there to add a dull colour to the diversity of others. I was never good in anything. It's the traits of many but the master of none. I took N levels, almost made it to express in sec 1 done the O's and clearly it was either Poly or less. Outshine because I had the 'lazy' or 'just not determine or motivated enough' disease. Lost out to others, missed creating and/or sustaining relationships with friends, expressing the real me as I was held back just a little to tight. I could'nt breathe. I would scream, shout, punch and bleed my anger and diappointment out.

It was a tough lesson to learn how to smile willingly without unkind thoughts and force. To see the child and innocence in others, to see the loving GOD in them as they were created. Through many more situations, I knew and understood many alike me, some worst and some just created and trapped in. I became the advisor, the presenter, the acting pillar for others close to me no matter what I would lend a hand or two if possible. But I was'nt all those roles to myself, where's mine? Maybe I just like to keep it in, boil it a little and explode within with it.

Dear thief in the night, why did you steal my happiness? Who did you give it to and sometime right now you should return what isnt yours. Or am I the thief, I might have stolen yours and I returned it? How then do I find mine, fine me? Must I be ready to know me? I dont feel ready, is that why I do not know who I am? Didnt think I have any problems with my identity. When's time over, so I could walk out of that one door to find many others that's open and can help open? I find no problem dressed in colours but comfortable any time in all black. I do not want to remember what I odd to forget, I do not want to forgive because I wasnt in the wrong, I do not want pity I sincerely do not need it. Why are my torns cutting my flesh instead of protecting me from danger? If I can lack in something why couldnt I lack this pain, disability of my own doing but it's as if it couldnt be controlled. Am I in a game played by your rules and custom to your play?

On the 100th post to this 3/4 emotional, superficial blog and angry/fearful/hateful notes. I let you know, he is not what he seems if you think I know richness, happiness and bliss. He can be misjudged many times, but I feed you vital information that when the hornet is cornered, it will sting. If I were you, I'd would rearrange my thoughts and think twice or thrice if you think you really know me and have seen my weakness because you'd be miserably be mistaken. Though I have not seen much of the world, I have been to places many wouldnt because of ignorance or excellent fortune. I have seen, played, lost and won many 'games' and I know the game you are playing dont be overconfident with your cards played, dont judge the family, size of brain or the wallet wrongly because the grey skies might be upon you sometime too. You get all the way up fast but the harder and faster the fall.

I thought it was a nightmare that I could wake up from but before I pinch my cheeks to check if it's reality, I stopped because I might wake up to what's worst. Life, when will I be done, what's left, why am I here I didnt need to know emotions neither did I want to find out who I am, scared you may mock, yes - fear, dont you? Fear anyways is a tool to guide and warn.

You don't know me and I might just change the mask to suit the occasion, your game your rules but just like characters in the game when chosen wrongly can loose you rounds, again and again.

Justin C Tristan Xaiver JW? Who's he?