Superficial very superficial

Personally.

Conicidently
the
100th
post,
I note down a little more
about me.
Someone who may not be all that's it seems.

Travelling through the 19++ years wasnt always a smooth ride neither was it torn or bitter as war to an extend. The early years seem to be best to what I can recall. Those days without worries, without politics and well the absence of responsibilities gave the reasons not to have any of those. Coming out of that brittel shell I came out wondering like anyone would, as what the world and years ahead has installed.

My mind however, chose to only identify the dark, negative and sad versions of life. I still recall clearly my saddness and pain back in those young and fragile years of foundation that I and most would have urged to rush out of to get a taste of the world, as an adult without or few restrains. Recalls of betrayal, hate, jealousy, envy, pride, suicidal drawings, emotional music and distaseful thoughts which done seem to fade away as fast as good and bright moments.

Like a prisoner bound and enclosed by walls and iron bars, little light and just that one door. As early as primary 2 or 8 years old my parents and I figured I had a skin condition - Eczema. Up to 12 years later - present I still suffer from this shortcoming, the agony of the itch, the flames of rashes and the disability of freely running and freely consuming. In line unfortunately, I have sensitive nose. These two brought about limitations especially in areas I could have excel in. My love for sports took a slow after the condition got worse, it took me out of school for a few days, days which was pretty important for N level's and it took me out of Singapore Nationals (besides the laziness and I guess a little pressure from it all.) I was in for 800m for the Nationals and what more for missed medals at sports events and days, I was a mid-dis and a high jumper. I would love to remove the 'was.' It stopped me from being more casual, more confident and limits me to do many other activities such as trying out new sports and to widen my variety of foods.

Grey skies return once in awhile and it's a bitch. I fail to know happiness and do not seem to remember when was the last time I had my tummy ache with true laugher, tear for joy or just to float away without any worries or the visions of any grey-ness in the skies in true bliss and sense of accomplishment. Shadows of others enveloped the presence of me. The slow one, with no short cuts, little value and just there to add a dull colour to the diversity of others. I was never good in anything. It's the traits of many but the master of none. I took N levels, almost made it to express in sec 1 done the O's and clearly it was either Poly or less. Outshine because I had the 'lazy' or 'just not determine or motivated enough' disease. Lost out to others, missed creating and/or sustaining relationships with friends, expressing the real me as I was held back just a little to tight. I could'nt breathe. I would scream, shout, punch and bleed my anger and diappointment out.

It was a tough lesson to learn how to smile willingly without unkind thoughts and force. To see the child and innocence in others, to see the loving GOD in them as they were created. Through many more situations, I knew and understood many alike me, some worst and some just created and trapped in. I became the advisor, the presenter, the acting pillar for others close to me no matter what I would lend a hand or two if possible. But I was'nt all those roles to myself, where's mine? Maybe I just like to keep it in, boil it a little and explode within with it.

Dear thief in the night, why did you steal my happiness? Who did you give it to and sometime right now you should return what isnt yours. Or am I the thief, I might have stolen yours and I returned it? How then do I find mine, fine me? Must I be ready to know me? I dont feel ready, is that why I do not know who I am? Didnt think I have any problems with my identity. When's time over, so I could walk out of that one door to find many others that's open and can help open? I find no problem dressed in colours but comfortable any time in all black. I do not want to remember what I odd to forget, I do not want to forgive because I wasnt in the wrong, I do not want pity I sincerely do not need it. Why are my torns cutting my flesh instead of protecting me from danger? If I can lack in something why couldnt I lack this pain, disability of my own doing but it's as if it couldnt be controlled. Am I in a game played by your rules and custom to your play?

On the 100th post to this 3/4 emotional, superficial blog and angry/fearful/hateful notes. I let you know, he is not what he seems if you think I know richness, happiness and bliss. He can be misjudged many times, but I feed you vital information that when the hornet is cornered, it will sting. If I were you, I'd would rearrange my thoughts and think twice or thrice if you think you really know me and have seen my weakness because you'd be miserably be mistaken. Though I have not seen much of the world, I have been to places many wouldnt because of ignorance or excellent fortune. I have seen, played, lost and won many 'games' and I know the game you are playing dont be overconfident with your cards played, dont judge the family, size of brain or the wallet wrongly because the grey skies might be upon you sometime too. You get all the way up fast but the harder and faster the fall.

I thought it was a nightmare that I could wake up from but before I pinch my cheeks to check if it's reality, I stopped because I might wake up to what's worst. Life, when will I be done, what's left, why am I here I didnt need to know emotions neither did I want to find out who I am, scared you may mock, yes - fear, dont you? Fear anyways is a tool to guide and warn.

You don't know me and I might just change the mask to suit the occasion, your game your rules but just like characters in the game when chosen wrongly can loose you rounds, again and again.

Justin C Tristan Xaiver JW? Who's he?