Washing clean and new hopes.

The Singapore GP was awesome once again. Singapore staged a pretty good show once again. As for the race itself, it was filled with drama and a few entertaining moments but it was a Lewis-all the way race, I would say. Red Bull was who I was supporting. Toyota made a name and Alonso made a slient come back despite the crashes made during trial and 3rd lap fall out from his team mate.

Had a good night with my mum during the first night of the race. It was my second time and it was her first and I bet she enjoyed most parts of it. We thank Sin Yee baby girl and her friend, Ashely for the passes. Neat.

Alphabet soup.

Having had a few conversations lately about relationships, I've decided just to throw some thoughts, views and feelings down into this digital form. To really begin off, I will like to just shout out to my girlfriend. All these are besides my mum of course, as both ladies know me excellently well.

Since it's more a boy-girl relationship, I want to extend gratitude to my girlfriend who has always been there for me. Right now, we stand closely to a 2 year long relationship and trust me, commonly or most first 2 years can already pack in some complex feelings, odd moments, selfishness, ungrateful times, taking one for granted, future, money and family issues and actually, loads more.

I affirm Sin Yee simply because; she is one whom I can easily relate to and vice versa. She has also been a little of an angel; to guide me, support and hear me out. To lend her shoulders and ears throughout and also recently (which is in terms of months which passed not too long ago), to my complains in my own "negative" world, my trust and my people issues and so on. I guess at some point she's totally bored out with what I have to say. For the recent times, I haven't been placing much time for her, be it having my own things to do, being tired, lazy and just simply not wanting to get up to chat or meet. For not making half or even sometimes, one quarter the calls every day and/or night. For reminding me to keep myself on my feet and move on with things and for being understanding for whatever position I am in for example, being caught between friends and family with her. For making me breakfast without fail daily for school, not being tired out like how I have become, taking a step forward just to bring our relationship to another month, most importantly with real love and concerns.

I feel sad sometimes when I know I can do so much but somehow choose to do so little. I really want to make things move on and work out better each time. As time is already catching up so fast I must make moves which I will feel proud of and not sit back and wallow in sorrow situations. I guess sometimes I have to apologies for my outburst of hurtful sayings, though some I meant and some I was ranting and some are just my “at the moment” feelings that I needed to let out and since it has already been said for example, I told her and probably gave her feelings that if I am single it might be better and marriage is not what I wanted. In addition, asked her to find other guys, if I am wasting her time and some other relatively hurtful things. (Well if some of my readers do not feel me or think it's just over sensitive or whatsoever, this are true feelings and I didn’t meant the post to be a debatable one, just so you know if you have left any judgemental feelings or thoughts here or in your head.) In the shoes of someone whom you genuinely love and care for, what I have said is pretty unfair and I on my part am not making things easier.

The difficulty level of placing everything down in words is high but in relationships it is a must for it to be two sided. The core reason, of course is love. But the feelings, the majestic word, the actions and the thoughts of love has to be divided. Divided into many different situations and in order for love to sustain, it should pass every test, big or small. We must know love can wear out; it has the capability to find something or someone to re-ignite, regroup some sort of its synergy to be whole again. Now different situations means the paths that we take, the paves that we make and the situations we so happen to fall into. Those situations will test the stability of love in every couple.

It's funny what the wants and needs are at the beginning of the relationship can change along the way, well of course things will change but the main objectives shouldn't. For me, I let my insecurities bite me, eat into me till I sometimes take it for granted, leave it to my partner to work on, being afraid of comments or judgements by others which I don't usually care or bother but somehow it can come around and it affects me. What affects me will affect my actions and therefore, a chain reaction takes position. Occasionally and commonly is also the lack of something to spice up the relationship. Many would of course be attracted to the other half in many ways than one and for most young and bursting with hormones couples would tend to find one another to fulfil fun, needs and wants. As they go along, the fun, needs and wants can change be it the lack of attraction like how a magnet can lose its force or the need for someone new and even the different wants and needs as the relationship grows older or a better way to put it, matures. All of these affect the input and the output of creating strong bonds.

It's also problematic as the relationship matures, we sort to know each other well, taking each other more for granted, knowing how the other will react, their weaknesses and their strengths. Sometimes it is for the better and sometimes it is for the worst. Many relationships fail because the strengths collide with one another and in some cases, weaknesses used against each other. For whatever the fall of relationships in these cases ends up pretty nasty.

What I guess I have been saying for me personally, is that relationships must be two sided, being understanding and the usual brags about staying faithful and other no brainer kind of values couples must have - is not simply simple.

My relationship is not stronger or weaker than any other simply because mine can't be compared to others and others can't be compared to mine, both are in good ways. Everything that love bonds and forms between two individuals are unique and amazing in their shining own way. But what is wrong is to choose to do less rather than doing what one can to the fullest. To not let others limit the way you are treating each other, to pass less or better, no judgement on others and to have little or no judgement onto ourselves. Though the latter cannot be controlled, we have to take it easy and do what makes your lover and you proud and happy. Just by doing that it will make the judges go crazy, fill with angst and envy.

Well, I am not going to change overnight to the prince of love to my lover, but I just want to say how grateful I am to have such a girl with little or no demands for material things, no high and unreasonable expectations, truly being there through the thick and thin so far, the maturity, the capability of hers to keep clam and to see through the good of people despite the bad in them, her credibility to remain faithful in this relationship with me though there are so many out there better than me and for those who are on standby to take her as soon as I go, for a whole personality so far despite the irritate able times and misunderstandings. Your goodness shines through and most importantly, I see and realize it. I love you baby girl, Sin Yee.

Spit the thought and it gets worst than you thought.

Neither the time nor the place.

So far it's been a tough and dry holidays so far except of course for little fun times with the family, friends and lovergirl.

Three weeks gone by but neither work nor play has been fulfilled. Fyp is on a slow, real slow again, leaves me in a daze to wonder what do people around and I, do really want. Most times we share so many things in common, that same shape and that same commonly goals; to pass, to score, to make it well in life but as we pave our pavements, we tend to slip, slip from the needs and wants of achieving those darn goals.

The attempt to place hope and believe in a simple phase I came across in one of my close church friend's post, " Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay it's not the end." However, it struck me, how much I place more hope in the second part of that phase, "If it's not okay it's not the end." A lot of things and matters are not excatly okay for me, is it not the end? But there were many times before that I was all okay, couldn't life just leave it as that? I know, that there is so much more than to being just "okay." Sad though when finally achieving, everything's okay, it ends. So my hopes pressures that if it's not okay it's not the end, because many parts of me prefers perfection, my thoughts and actions towards myself and still to others, even; I want to. Some other parts of me urges myself to be okay simply or whatever others may want to call it, I want it to end.

Rankbound.

YV.

Dear YV came to a common ground. A place, a smell and the tension too firmiliar, this time a topic of mergence between another youth community and mine.

Results - YV remains.

Details - Let's just say I dont want to do a wordy post this time. For good or for worst, time is never fails to tell. Selfish or not, and the 'why and hows' of fellow yv's and my decision fails to piece a full picture to me yet or will it?

Yv's second family, it couldnt still be or be a even bigger one if we merged?

It's difficult going through rounds of getting to know people, each other again, it's different. How different and how difficult?

We'll change. When and how much change will make a difference as a whole and an individual?

Side a two year foresee, forsee next year, same time. Where's YV?

I have been on both side of the fence, I have provided my sharings, my care and concerns, I have led in sessions, camps, an event, I have played roles I didn't think I would have played after being confirmed, socially and spirtiually and most importantly kept this community in prayers. But I too have gone away not totally lost but away, some may call it missing in action (MIA-ing). Being there but not there physically plays much difference I came to realize more in this coummunity. I stand convicted with my choice, bending with the wind can be overwhelming but in the end, the final choice sinked in.

As YV ages, many would agree the bad in it should age and go but the good to age to mature.

The boys and girls that you do not know.

FYP mates.

Chem class.

There goes Year 3's semester one. Admist the drama, stress, excitement, tention, politics, extremely tough calculations, friendships, love, boredom, cold and hard feels, circuits and whatever else. It comes down to the grades thus far and the final semester before adulthood.

Goodbye memos, that is what it will only be.

The holidays would be so much better without math. Oh wells.